Are You Destined to Rule the World?

Have you always believed that there were secret men and women who really ruled the world from behind the scenes? Have you had your head examined lately? Are there strange bumps or previously unnoticed marks appearing as if by magic? If so, and even if not, you may be one of a select crew of people destined for immortality! Not immorality you imbecile, immortality! That's right! You could live forever, spending centuries as a creaky little withered person quaffing Geritol and giving out orders to cringing underlings. What fun!

How Can This Exciting Destiny Be Yours?
Within every generation only a few lucky individuals are selected to undergo the rigorous training necessary to find the legendary Philosopher's Stone, smash it to bits, and mix the powdery remains into a tasty fruit smoothie that not only quenches your mighty thirst but fulfills your minimum daily requirement for all essential vitamins and minerals as well. If you've read this far, you are probably one of the few, for a sign of superior development is the superhuman patience required to read all the tiny print in our ads.

Let other secret orders froth at the mouth about spiritual development, psychic powers, greater mysteries, lesser mysteries, the whole bit! We'll put it to you straight: How much are you willing to pay in order to become fabulously rich? Well, logic would dictate that in order to be a millionaire you would have to pay a fortune, no? (Are you still following us? Good.) More over, in order to attain total power you have to give us your total submission. It's as simple as that. Let others rant about N-rays, alien space gods, and stupid ol' Hellenic goddesses that nobody ever heard of. We'll spare you that. In our neatly ordered hierarchy you are never told anything you don't need to know.Don't clutter up your brain with confusing claims, and don't bite off more than you can chew. Scientific studies show that the average person can chew only a third of a cup of old rubber bands at one time and they had better not swallow! Yuck. What a taste! We supply you with brand new bands of vegetable fiber that work nearly as well as but which are totally edible! Gosh, here we are fixating on food again. Guess it's getting to be supper time. Well, before you buzz off, please follow our advice. Investigate what it really means to be immortal, to be all-powerful, to be altruistically Machiavellian. Once you've done that we're certain you'll come running to us for help. There's no hurry. We've got all the time in the world.